The 13 Shell Companies of Zion

If baby Jesus had been born today, the three members of the Mormon Church's First Presidency would have traveled on camelback across the deserts of Utah to deliver the wee bairn gifts of frankincense, and myrrh, and stocks... stocks sifted through 13 distinct shell companies, of course!

But as the holy tot hasn't made an appearance yet, the stocks remain in Ensign Peak, the frankincense and myrrh remain locked up in the church's vault at Granite Mountain, and we're left creating the next best thing in the form of this candle.

Smelling of mystical frankincense and ancient myrrh and the indefinable aroma of stock certificates, "The 13 Shell Companies of Zion" is a treasure unlike any other.

A true favorite for any wise gift giver this holiday season!

PS: Unlike Joseph Smith, who plagiarized his translation of the Bible from Adam Clarke's commentary, we here at ExMo Candles strive to give credit where credit is due. The concept for this candle label came from Jen's brilliant brother Matt. And the idea to make stocks an ingredient was from Nemo the Mormon. Yay for the apostate brain trust!

SCENTS

Light "The 13 Shell Companies of Zion" to bring the ancient and the mystical into your home. This candle conjures images of ancient times and myth-soaked lands.

2,000 years ago, the three wise men traveled to Bethlehem to deliver gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh to baby Jesus. Gold to signify the child's kingship. Frankincense because of his deity; during biblical times, frankincense was burned in the temple as an offering to God. And myrrh to foreshadow his future death, as myrrh was used in the embalming process.

Light this candle, and imagine sweet, milky smoke of frankincense curling up towards stained glass in medieval naves. And earthy myrrh perfuming the air of dark rooms in far-off palaces.

And, though not quite as mysterious as the machinations of the Mormon Church as they maneuvered their money through thirteen separate shell companies, the mystical aroma of this candle is an ever-present reminder that God does indeed work in mysterious ways. If only the SEC understood that!

•  Top Notes: tea tree, bergamot

•  Middle Notes: frankincense, myrrh, amber, stock certificates

•  Base Notes: frankincense, myrrh, oud wood, musk, powder

CANDLE INSPIRATION

You've heard of the 12 tribes of Israel, but have you heard of the 13 shell companies of Zion?

On February 21, 2023, the Securities and Exchange Commission announced charges against The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (aka the Mormon Church) and its investment arm, Ensign Peak, for obscuring the Church's multi-billion dollar stock portfolio over 22 years, from 1997 to 2019.

During this time, the church filed forms for 13 separate shell companies rather than disclose their equity investments. An act which, according to the SEC press release, "obscured the Church's portfolio and misstated Ensign Peak's control over the Church's investment decisions". The press release states that "the Church was concerned that disclosure of its portfolio, which by 2018 grew to approximately $32 billion, would lead to negative consequences."

Negative consequences like members deciding not pay their tithing before they feed their families? (Yes, that's a thing.)

Negative consequences like bad press? Hmmmm, if only a prophet, seer, and revelator could have predicted the bad press from committing securities fraud...

The press release goes on:

"We allege that the LDS Church's investment manager, with the Church's knowledge, went to great lengths to avoid disclosing the Church's investments, depriving the Commission and the investing public of accurate market information[.]"

So much for the 9th commandment. Thou shalt not bear false witness, anyone?

So much for the Mormon Church's 12th article of faith, too, which reads:

"We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law."

And for that matter, so much for the Mormon Church's 13th article of faith, as well:

"We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul— We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."

Maybe the next time a Mormon bishop asks a teenager for explicit details of their naughty deeds, that teenager should filter their answer through 13 fibs of their choosing.

Maybe the next time a Mormon mother faces the prospect of being barred from her son's wedding because she's not caught up on her tithing, she should tell her bishop she doesn't have to give him honest information because she worries that doing so "would lead to negative consequences."

What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. Or, what's sauce for the multi-billion dollar Corporation of the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints...is sauce for your average tithe-paying member, don't you think?

Well, while the Mormon Church and Ensign Peak may not be feeling jolly about the $5 million in fines they had to pay the SEC for this offense, there's no reason why this candle can't fill you with the Christmas spirit! In fact, might we suggest you light it and belt out a new verse to that old favorite, "The 12 Days of Christmas"?

...On the thirteenth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
13 shell companies
12 drummers drumming
11 pipers piping
10 lords a-leaping
9 ladies dancing
8 maids a-milking
7 swans a-swimming
6 geese a-laying
5 gold rings!
4 calling birds
3 French hens
2 turtledoves
And a partridge in a pear tree!

QUALITY + SUSTAINABILITY

All ExMo Candles are hand-poured in small batches, and each of our recipes is tweaked and tested before coming online. We take pride in the quality of our candles.

Our candles are also vegan-friendly, made and packaged sustainably, and pthalate-free. Our commitment to sustainability includes a partnership with One Tree Planted, where we donate the money to plant 100 trees for every 100 candles sold.

Finally, the removable labels on our jars make them easy to upcycle. Woohoo!

DISCREET PACKAGING

We know that you might be living with members of the church, or heck, that your mailman might be Mormon. For that reason, we've chosen not to brand our outer packaging in any way. No one will be able to tell from the outside of the box that you've ordered anything related to being an ex-Mormon. This includes the shipping label, which will simply say it's from Jen + Adri.

PRODUCT + FULFILLMENT DETAILS

The "13 Shell Companies of Zion" candle is guaranteed to give you 40+ hours of burn time. It comes in a glass jar with an aluminum lid, and it measures 3.5" tall and 2.75" across. The net weight is 7.1 oz.

Because all ExMo Candles are handmade to order, please allow a 7-day processing time before your order ships out.